Her Story in Her Own Words on 40 pages

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    The Lord drew near – I knelt to pray – He began to speak immediately, "I love you very much."   I was thinking of the appearances of the Blessed Mother and of those to whom she appeared.   Most were very young and untutored – I, perhaps unfortunately, have none of this naïveté.  Jesus said – “I will help them (people) to understanding by your understanding – t his is your gift, as you know." 

    He makes me pray for whatever I pray for at these times – He leads me to prayer as He leads us to all good acts.   So I prayed for Peter.   And my mother and father. 

    Then I asked Him, Will you forgive me my sins?   And He said "I will forgive you your sins."   But I said "Will?  You have already forgiven me my sins, in confession.”    "I have forgiven your sins, but you will sin again.   Those sins I will forgive."   And I felt sad, thinking I would hurt Him in the future, but I could not despair, knowing He has great mercy for weak souls such as mine. 

    At this point I heard Peter coming in to where I was and I started to break away since these are very private moments — but the Lord said He wasn't through so I remained kneeling.   And Peter came in and saw me but the Lord kept speaking [in my mind I wanted to tell Peter to kneel and pray but he proceeded to change his pants – a note of humor I cannot delete] so I kept listening.  

    “You must make sacrifices and continue on as you do," He said.  

    I had difficulty with this:  

    He said: "I will give you all” – and He stopped.  

    Why is this difficult, I asked, it will be all you can give me as opposed to all I can take, won't it? 

    "It will be all I can give you," He said. 

    Why did you hesitate, I asked. 

    "Because it will be difficult,” He said – for myself, that is.  

    "I adore you and glorify you" I said after Peter left – and a great warmth filled me from head to toe. 

    The Lord said I must write everything down, and at that moment it seemed to me I could remember nothing of what had been said, but He said, "Don't worry, you will remember”, and I do.  

    And at one point the devil began his attack and I called on Jesus as He said I should do and immediately the evil one was pushed away – by light it seems to me.  

    I was at Mass in the morning and I wanted to tell Father afterwards about all this and so I asked God – May I tell him these things?   Clear as can be He said, "No, you may not."   So I said, Can I tell him some things?   And He said, "Yes, some things."  

    And then, very strongly, He said to me, "Don't let all your wood burn in another’s fire!"   And that was that! 

    The Lord gave me a vision of His cross which was both repellant and attractive at the same time.   A voice said, “your cross awaits you." 

    The next day the burden was put upon me, though I felt very much afraid.   I spoke as God led me to speak, to one He chose, not I.   I, on my part, have no wish to choose anyone.   This speaking of mine caused my heart to feel very heavy indeed, I tell you, you have no idea…   But the Lord said, “I will comfort you – go and read in the Bible where I show you” – and He showed me the first chapter of Jeremiah –  verses 1-13.   This is where He tells Jeremiah he will be a prophet and not to fear because he is young.   Of course this was a comfort – but also a puzzle – how can this be for me? 

    And He said, "Look up and you will see My Divine Face," and so I did, but I didn't see anything.   I said, if you say I see you, then I see you, but I don't know how I see you.   But it was at this point that my tears left and my burdened lightened considerably.  

    Only to be renewed the next morning – yes, and this is hard.   But I woke up in pain over this priest – the Lord preserve me from this one!   And God said I must speak to this hard heart right then – and I did.   And Peter helped.  

    I love my Jesus – my kind and loyal brother – and I will do whatever He asks – but He asks me to speak!  

    The Lord was angry with me because I didn't write all this down sooner – for this began on Wednesday but it's Saturday now. 

    He says many things to me – yes, as I asked for more than I can take – as much as He can give me.   Inasmuch as this is the result of spiritual pride, it has to stop.   But inasmuch as it is the result of loving Him and wanting to do everything for Him, it's a good thing.

    The world is in my heart and I promised to offer Him the world.   I suffer on this and many other things – I cry when I see the pain He’s in because of us – and my tears He loves.    For who will cry for Him today?    Who will lift a hand to tend His wounds?    Who says, My Lord, you shouldn't suffer like this, let us do these things for you, as you told us to?    Who says, Lord, come and rest here – we love you – you are our joy?    Who will be friend to this greatest of friends?    He will take aid from the least among you, my brothers and sisters, I warn you. 

    For Jesus has heard the prayers addressed to His mother and the words of all who love Him – and He turns to us with hope in His eyes – perhaps one last time – for the Lord must be just. 

    Priests, I say to you, speak out before it is too late – Do not be afraid to speak in clear and simple language to all God's children – for how will they know their Father and their Brother if you do not say, Here He is! 

    And point to your hearts as well as to your tabernacles when you say these words, my fathers, or else no one will hear you and no one will believe you.   For no one will eat the fruit if the tree has been sprayed with poison.

    Won't the body be weak if it doesn't exercise — you cannot take even two steps toward heaven if you do not pray as the Lord has shown us.   Are the prayers of our fathers merely a joke — or are they not exercises to make us strong?  

    And who among you is numbered with the angels that you do not need to eat the Bread God gave us?   Every man must eat and drink – and live by, the Word of God.  

    Do not know fear, my brothers and sisters – one word and the Lord will rush to your side.   If you are walking down the wrong road and you will yourself to say, Lord, guide me, or if you will yourself to take even one step back towards Him — He will hear you and see you and hasten to you.  

    For in these days the Lord is merciful — take advantage!   You who store up money in the bank, you who are crafty in the ways of acquisition — you cheat, you lie, you steal – you risk your very names so that things may own you — I warn you, be careful what you risk.   If you are so clever in making sure of your physical comforts, can't you lift a finger for your soul?  

    But need I say to you what the Lord has said better?   Listen to His every word and do as He commands so that you may be free.  

    This day the Lord said to me, "I put you in charge of my armies."    I said, Lord, this is a very great honor indeed and I prayed to different saints to aid me.    But nothing takes away my heavy heart and why I suffer in the way I do, I don't understand.    The Lord told me at Communion that He would allow the devil to plague me so that I might be made strong — and I said, willingly, if it would bring others to him.   For this has become one of the main interests and purposes of my life — to help others to love Him. 

    Pain is a nagging thing – it never rests – it pursues your every thought – beats with every heartbeat. 

    And yet, in this darkest of rooms – a beam of light falls — Jesus offers hope.

    Thoughts on joy:  it seems to me that the Lord calls us to be as St. Paul says, cheerful givers – is my source correct?   For trials may be one way of His helping us to see Him, even as good deeds are – but what are troubles if we let them close our eyes to the light with tears? 

    Until yesterday my heart was heavy – yes, partly with sorrow for my sins but also with woe for my trials.    But haven’t I remarked on the humor of the Lord?    He has offered me strength to no longer be afraid – in other words, I believe He is giving me the will to overcome my neuroses – or perhaps, all within me that tends to the neurotic.   Perhaps the neurotic loves his sufferings too much… 

If we have a toothache there is no question of wishing the pain to cease – if we have a skin disease the flaw is obvious to ourselves and others and we wish the disease would clear up.   The holiest saint may delight in these obvious afflictions as a means of suffering that will bring him closer to God – but even he will also go to the doctor and see if he can be cured.   Suffering may bring about or be caused by the corruption of the body but this must never be by our will – it is not for us to decide – but rather, this is God's prerogative for us. 

    I think the same must apply to the illnesses of the mind, which often hurt us less obviously, but which can be just as destructive to the life of our soul as any physical pain. 

But this is all difficult and I must think some more about it.  I don't wish to wander into the doctor’s realm where I have no place. 

No, actually, I have only very simple ideas to offer, but since I believe they are inspired ideas I must write them down.  

    First, there is much value in taking the little sack of woes – irritability, laziness, nervousness, etc. – that we carry around with us with such perseverance – in much the same way a child sucks his thumb – a consistent, temporarily satisfying habit, this sack of woes – and handing it all to God.   Perhaps with the notion of asking Him for a real cross to replace the burden we have gotten so accustomed to.   For this sack of woes often consists of trials of our own making and our own choice – and so, small wonder these "crosses" do not enable us to follow Him as He suggested. 

    Secondly, I see much quicker progress being made when all this is done in a spirit of good humor, of cheerfulness.    What will you replace your bad case of nerves with?   Perhaps a certain wryness would help – perhaps we might endeavor to look at ourselves as God does – with a smile at how ridiculous we are – but a fond smile, a forgiving smile — even as He commands us – as we command ourselves — to abandon all life but life in Him.  

    I am not saying anything new here – it is only a new twist on an old angle — that we must take up our cross and follow Jesus.   There is no doubt that it will be very individually our own cross – but I think it must not be one of our own making — or rather, one of our own preference. 

We say, I suffer, but I see no good results from my suffering.   It may be that we have felt guilt*, which is good, and recognized the need for punishment, also good — 

                          *This guilt may well be based on Original Sin – I am not sure.

but we have devised a comfortable punishment for ourselves — or so we think.  

    We have placed a lightly knotted noose around our neck and a chair beneath our feet — "see, we have been, are being punished.” 

    But what if someone kicks the chair out from beneath us, the knot tightens, and we, in effect, commit suicide.   Is this the route to eternal life?   I think not. 

The only death acceptable – to ourselves and God – is death in Christ – Christ’s cross – the burden assumed for love of God – the only death of self that is not spiritual suicide. 

    The Lord encourages me to use the gifts he has given me – for if I take them and put them away on a shelf they will only gather dust what use will they be?    So he urges me to use my sense, my reason, if it will help me to love and serve Him better. 

   Just so: we should inform our reason by reading good books and the Bible.    And we might ask minds more reasonable than our own to help us understand what it is we are reading or thinking about.   But best of all is prayer, where Jesus Himself can instruct our minds.   I caution all to approach Him with humility and good intent or else we will be like a fool, knocking at the door of a friend, and when the friend opens the door, turning away.   Without even apologizing for disturbing Our Friend! 

    On the other hand, do not be afraid to speak to Him at any moment in your life, for you always need Him — and He is always there.  

    If you think Jesus does not love you, you are very wrong.    It is you who are not giving love. 

    And now I must say this, though I would never say it unless He told me to:  

It has troubled me why He should pick me to say these things at all for my history is as black as the worst of us – and I am married (though to a very good man) and I have really only just begun to carry my cross – but He is displeased with those who used to give Him such great honor.   I fear He speaks through me to shame them… 

    So I must endeavor to be the most humble of all as a servant who dares to chastise her spiritual masters. 

    Jesus has called me to be His sister and His friend — not just me — all of you in this world are called to the same thing.   Whatever gifts I tell you about await all of you – If only you would accept them!    It breaks my heart, my brothers and sisters, to see the way you deceive yourselves, especially as regards to what you really need and want.    If you want good things, why don't you go to the Source of good things?  

    One more thing:   the Lord calls each and every one of us to be saints – how can I emphasize this enough?   If only you would know Him, you would love Him above all things — He longs so to put his arms around us and hold us and kiss us like a Brother with a smaller brother or sister.  

    Yesterday, I had a vision of Christ's sufferings and it gave me such pain that I begged it to be taken away from me.   I tell you tears covered my face as though my eyes had been cut open — I also saw that this was pain I had caused Him — which put me through such torture that physical pain seemed immensely preferable to me.  I saw His crown of thorns primarily — that which I always considered to be the least of His Passion.   I tell you, you cannot imagine what This One has done for us, what He has gone through for us. 

    May God have mercy on me…  I was filled with much hatred of myself but He calmed me down so that all I had left to say to Him was that I loved Him.    So spiritually immature* am I that I asked Him for comfort which He gave me!   

                                         * But this may be the "faith of a child" He asks us all for. 

And imagine – I dared ask for yet more — but He led me to understanding when I calmed down.   Realizing how much He had suffered and how much He loved me I offered to Him my suffering — which is little enough — which He accepted. 

    Do not misunderstand — we must always rely on Him for aid and comfort — we must never be proud and take on more than He wants us to — but when the chance is presented whereby we may share in His pain — why then, we must take it and gladly — and I am happy to be able to tell you that this [is] what I did – finally. 

    Now I must tell you once again that Jesus loves us dearly – to have been willing to be abused the way He has been for our sakes?    I could hardly bear an hour of this vision, which was but a part of His suffering — and He has endured this on the part of each and every one of us – excepting His Holy Mother, of course.   The very Heart of God has allowed itself to be wounded in this way for us and this is an immensity I cannot grasp.    Except that He is love – Perfect Love — and Love endures all things. 

   Now I will also tell you that today I read St. Teresa of Avila's autobiography for the first time ever and I found there many explanations of things that have puzzled me.   For example, her visions and her locutions are very similar to what I have experienced in their nature.  I too have experienced many doubts*, though not as

                              * Which is no merit on my part, I assure you – God has been kind to me.

severe as hers.    And I have never seen the Resurrected Christ.  

    I must say this, too.   I believe this all happened on the same day, this past Wednesday:  At Communion I experienced briefly an experience of God that filled me with great awe — I really do not know how to describe it except to say it was like St. Teresa's Prayer of Quiet which I only read about later.   That same morning Jesus told me he would come for me soon — this seemed to be something that was making Him very happy.    I thought He meant I would die but He said that was not necessarily what coming for me meant.  

    This I wondered over and I thought that what happened to me yesterday when He comforted me was what He meant but He said no on that.

    Then today He revealed to me somewhat more of what He meant — that I have never seen Him resurrected and that soon I would.    For the other day He said He would come, not very soon, but soon.    He indicated the First Friday in October and I thought He meant that day for I have made two First Fridays in succession and that day will be my third.  He said He would not come in this year of my life.  My birthday will be a few days after this First Friday.   So He indicated it would not be on First Friday but after I turn 22. 

    And indeed, I know in many respects my understanding of what He says to me has been like that of the Apostles before they saw Jesus resurrected — not only my understanding, but my faith and love for Him as well.    He said to me I was right in my thinking this way.  

    The Lord Jesus is so anxious to give me what He wishes to that I think he can barely wait — a fact which, when I consider whom He is being so generous to, amazes me.  

    But I must write this down while I remember it – you must not misunderstand when I say Jesus put me in charge of His armies — for this is not unique to me.  By His death and in His grace we are all captains in His army — this He merited for us.  It is a very sad thing that we do not turn much more often than we do to the saints and angels and the Holy Mother of God, for, by their mercy and the love of God, they are more than willing to aid us — and stand at our command in the service of God.  For, if we announce to our King that our will is to do His will He will do us this honor of which I speak.  Rather — I think we should say, His will is our will.

     I don't know how best to tell you of all the things the Lord Jesus has done for me.   Briefly he has freed me from the shackles which bound me, so that I gained a certain gift – which is hard to describe.   I suppose you might say He allowed me to decide as freely as possible whether I really wished to serve Him or not.   I felt briefly tempted not to – but everything else pales next to Him.    I mean to say, I could have been – what?    Merely a "good sort"?    No, I wish, "with all my heart" to be a saint – to be the best I can be for love of Him.   Not out of any spiritual pride, nor just for personal salvation, but because I know of nothing better than this merciful, just God – He is all I wish to know.  

    So then I prayed to Him thus:  that I appreciated the choice He allowed me but that I could think of nothing better than to serve Him.  That I realized how unworthy I was to do this but I believe in His love, I rejoice in it, I adore it, I live by it – so I believe that unworthy as we all may be, He has saved us, released us, in His grace*, 

                                           *If we have this and do not use it, then we are our own prisoners.  

                                             Only He can completely free us, which we then must pray for.

so that we are all freedmen, not slaves, and so we may be willing servants.   I said I had hurt Jesus so badly and I knew it so that, "Truly, the mark of His cross must be upon me."    And that I wished to help his priests and nuns so that they might truly find Him and serve Him better – and that I wished always to do His will.    That I knew I was empty, scraped clean and wished to be filled with Him.   That I knew I had much in this world, including my good husband, but that I am willing to give up all for Him in His service if He ever – right this day – requires it of me.  

    I said this prayer but I heard no answer but I felt encouraged to wait, which I did. 

    Then God spoke to me, saying "I will show you how to pray" and I wished to kneel but He knew I was tired (I am having my period) so He insisted I sit down in the position of meditation – and He said I should close my eyes and look inward and light seemed to fill me.    I prayed a bit and He told me to hold out my right hand and not be afraid, so I did – it seemed to me I saw in a flash a beautiful jeweled ring like crown jewels, for I thought of Queen Elizabeth II, of all people.    And my mind became very clear to Him and I asked, are you giving me a ring?   Not really believing He would say yes.   I'm afraid I've mixed this up a bit for first I saw the ring and then He said yes, He was giving it to me and then He told me to hold out my hand, "the hand of strength and creation", in other words, my right hand.  "This is the Ring of Promise", He said.  These words filled my soul and I wondered what He meant by them.

    So He explained to me that He had heard my prayers and was answering them, my prayer of offering to serve Him.    And that all my requests had been heard and would be fulfilled and this ring was a sign of His promise to me that this was so.   And that the ring was made of faith – for I said I could see and feel nothing on my finger – and He said faith was invisible and could not be felt, but that it could make a Ring of Promise.    Sometimes, He said, the ring would hurt, spiritually of course, and sometimes physically.  That the pain would be marked in my right arm as a reminder. 

    Then He said, "This promise is my Word and my Word is God, so you will not be deceived." 

    And He told me then to go out and serve my husband and all His people well — but first to write down these words which I have done. 

    One thing more He said was that I would see this ring in Heaven, even though I cannot see it now. 

    One other thing – one day recently He gave me the power to cure in others that very thing which I have suffered from — and I am pleased to say that through me He has cured one — this one will someday testify to God in me. 

    Today Jesus told me at Communion that I would have seven children, seven holy children who would multiply to many more.   That I knew the first of these children already.   They are not physical – shall I say natural children – but spiritual children.   Of natural children He would say nothing.

    Later this day He led me to pray for humility.   He showed me how weak I am on this point and how much harm it did, hindering His work in me.   I think He wants me to understand as much as I can what must be done to make me a saint. 

    He inspired me on this point – that the jewels in the Ring of Promise are made of Love.   And I must emphasize at this point that if you would follow all I have written here it is of no avail without love.   We must live in Love.    All the virtues without love are nothing.

    There are many things of which I would write – but perhaps the most important thing is to tell you of how the Lord helped me to grow in humility by showing me how all good things come from Him – indeed, all of what He has said to me has led me to become a better person and has helped me to love Him more and more.    My husband also has benefited by Jesus' words to me.   But He showed me how none of this goodness comes from me – there is nothing I can do beyond saying, "Thy Will be done" and "I believe in You, my God" and "I love you, my God."    My free acts must follow through on these thoughts as proof of my faith and love and obedience – but neither good acts nor good thoughts can come without His will be in them. 

    For I was straining myself beyond my strength in a way He did not want.   For He wishes me to give all and beyond all but He doesn't want me to think I can do any of this without His guidance and His aid.   In other words He wants our good deeds filled with humility rather than pride. 

     I will now tell you of how He told me He would put a great wound in my heart and fill it with His blood.    Which may sound awful to you but you shouldn't see it that way.    You should see it as a sign of His love.    He promised He would speak to me this way for the rest of my life.    One day I told him how sad I was and He said He knew, and that He would bring His cactus to the desert soon where it would be most happy.    That my Peter would be allowed to come with me.  

    And just now, as I was washing some clothes, He commanded me "Love Me very much."    And He said I will grow in love of Him.   

    May I beg you to listen as I tell you how concerned this Lord of all creation is over the littlest details of our lives, if our lives become His?    He is with me all day long as I go to school, study, do my housework, love my husband and all His people, everything, everything.    How generous He is, how giving.   I become more and more humble by necessity as He teaches me by His example. 

    Yes, I have seen Him hanging on His cross and it seems to me He hung forward from it – His body almost pulling off from it in a most awful way – What is this Love, I ask you?   This wounded Body that walks besides us everyday, so gentle, so humble.

     The Lord Jesus said, "If only you would have more faith in me."    Then He said He, "- will it be so," that my faith increase – and it has.  

     He promised to cure my migraines, and I said I would have those if it would make me better, but He said He wanted me to suffer other things – and indeed, He keeps His promise.  

     At Communion this morning I saw Him standing after He'd been beaten at the pillar, trembling and shivering – I saw his poor chest, naked to the cold night breeze – cold, white flesh – and how I longed to run to Him and put my arms around Him but I sensed a barrier and I suddenly realized I stood where St. Peter stood, looking through a barred window at his master.   I felt very sad, I tell you. 

     He leads me to say that those who prophesy peace mislead our nation and they shall be doomed.   And He showed me how we must pray for His justice as well as His mercy. 

     Concerning Russia – He will lead her back the way she came – even as Ezekial said of Assyria and Jerusalem and so forth.    Of wars I must speak of hard and painful times – but by this justice of the Lord we shall gain His mercy, so be grateful. 

     Our greatest weapon is prayer.  Pray as Jesus Christ has told us to pray – in the quiet of our rooms, alone, where only the Father can see us. 

     At Communion He also said this, for me to go to Confession – and I said, I'm sorry for my sins, don't you forgive me?    And He said, "I do forgive you, but you must go to Confession so that I may give you the grace you need.    For you must not expect white wine to come forth from the vessel which contains red wine." 

     In other words, the red wine of Communion does not give us the same grace that the white wine of Confession does.    A while back, about a week ago, He told me that my main sin I must confess is not having loved Him enough.   Indeed, this is so. 

     Everything good and true that I write here is from Jesus, and the flaws are all mine.   He says He wishes His church to become a crystal goblet so that His wine should be clearly seen by all.   She must become as pure and spotless as His saints become by His grace.   First She was a simple iron goblet, then She was silver and gold, growing more and more ornate – yes, to glorify that which She contained – but Her glory is that which She contains – so She must be a clear and spotless goblet. 

      Oh, how beautiful our God is – reach toward Him as the flower reaches toward the sun, my brothers and sisters – I hesitate to praise Him because my words fall so short – as though one could shoot an arrow to pierce the sun! 

     But He has told me that the best way to thank Him for His glory is by doing His will.   And if you struggle and stumble, ask Him, "Am I to believe that because I am so weak, You cannot be so strong?"   Always have hope in Him, never despair.   He says to us again and again, "Do not fear, I am with you." 

     We are not yet grown – we are but children still – we must have the child's faith of which He has spoken.  Our delight is in the humor of the Lord, our joy is in His mercy, and our security is in His justice.    How I long for you all to love Him – and think of how much more He longs for us!    No one has suffered the way He has suffered for us. 

     Let all your works be dedicated to Him that they may be blessed with His approval.    For His approval is our only glory.   Who else can praise you in your heart as you long to be praised? 

     How joyful I am!   Jesus led me to pray to the Father thus:  that I would like to do His will, but I am weak and easily misled, so aid me and strengthen me; deliver me from evil, O Father!   And I prayed that He should be my only Father from this day on, and the Holy Mother my mother, Jesus my brother, and all the angels and saints be my family.   In other words, I prayed that heaven adopt me! 

     Yes and the Father spoke to me in this way: "My daughter, I love you all.   Hold out your hand that I may kiss your Ring of Promise (I did this) – this is a seal on what you have asked for – it shall be done."    He said, "You are in pain?    Well, so it will be for the next two weeks – but do this for love of my Son."    He blessed me and told me to go forth and serve Him well.    He said He would live in my heart with the Son and the Holy Spirit. 

     I love only God – in Him are all good things – these I love, but through Him.

     Where are your songs of joy, of gladness, children of God – where are your glad hearts?

     The Lord is like the cool breeze which makes all creatures glad on a hot summer's day.    He sings a song of joy to us, He whispers in our ears:  Come my children, let us dance, to the halls of the King we shall go.   Tall trees make its walls, a cool river is its floor – yes, this is the palace of the Lord.    We shall dance on the silver waters and the voice of God will sing: My loves, look up and see the sun, your brother, He comes to join your joy – And the rays of the sun dance on the river of life – the tall green trees sway in the whispering breeze – and the children of God are glad.

     The Lord Jesus told of an approaching storm in which the tree would stand firm despite the swirling waters and the heavy, dark winds.    "Its fruits will cling to it and the storm shall be of no avail against it."    Even now rays of sunlight occasionally pierce the gray clouds that hover over me. 

     He says for me not to fear, that the Lord God, Jesus Christ is with me.    He said I shall hear the silver bell of truth pealing, always, tolling the death knoll for some, and the resurrection for others. 

     But must I tell you that all I wish for is to live in Jesus Christ in peace?    Now the time of knowing has ceased for me – how strong must the roots of this tree be.